I’d be lying if I said my first love experience is one for the ages. But then again, a lot of people will share this vision. It’s rare to fall in love and spend the rest of your life with your first love, something I’d hoped for growing up. However, over 30 guys later and way past my first love, I am still yet to find that contentment that we as women were raised to desire. Anyway, this blog will talk about my experience with my first love and when you should say, enough is enough.
I fell in love when I was around 16. I became totally intoxicated with it, I loved it. I loved the feeling of love and being loved. However, I loved it too much to the point where I lost myself and I became blind to serious red flags. I’m friends with my ex, we chat now and again. Meaningless conversation but each time a small victory for me to know I’m over it.
Where did it go wrong?
A few weeks into my first relationship, his ex came up to me and said they had been sleeping together whilst I was seeing him. RED FLAG. What did I do? I let it go and YOU SHOULD NEVER LET THIS STUFF GO. It’s allowing another person to have their cake and eat it too at YOUR expense. I may have let that situation go for the moment, but what latched onto me was anxiety. Something I had never really dealt with before, except for exams, needles and my mum calling me by my full name. But a poisonous anxiety. Throughout my years with- I’ll call him Jack to avoid any legal issues- the anxiety got worse and our relationship became more toxic. I believed I wasn’t good enough for him, which I know now is bullshit. But at the time, I was drowning in self doubt and never feeling enough. RED FLAG. I voiced these issues and he seldom made me feel better. RED FLAG. If you’re experiencing the same thing, get the fuck out of there, it’ll only get worse for you both. The toxicity wasn’t just from him. I became paranoid that he’d cheat on me and every interaction with girls filled me with dread that he’d leave. RED FLAG. I leant on him in a way that’s not healthy, I could see the stress I was causing him, which hurt, but to this day I don’t know if he could see the stress he caused me. When we eventually broke up, I thought I’d never get over it. Never. I’d never feel normal again, it was the worst kind of pain I’d ever known. However, there was a guy in school I became close with whilst with Jack. The odd kayak here and walk there, he was great. It made the breakup easier, less painful as I had someone to fall back on and I knew he’d catch me. Well you know what they say, to get over someone, you have to get under someone...
In a relationship, your love needs to be reciprocated. It has to be otherwise you end up going round in circles, judging your self-worth, comparing yourself, changing yourself. It’s not worth it. It’s INEXPENSIVE behaviour. I always see things like “you need to love yourself before loving anyone else”. I understand that to be true. It’s hard to love yourself, in a society that has unrealistic standards of perfection, but understanding your worth is imperative. Knowing when enough is enough is important for your mental health. I wish I’d known my self-worth during my first relationship, if I did, I wouldn’t have left it years before breaking up. I wanted the fairy tale, the thought of someone loving me and wanting me around got inside my head. But it’s okay. It’s okay to lapse in judgement, but you need to learn from it. I never put myself in situations with men now whereby I feel I’m being “mugged off”. I won’t allow it. It’s hard sometimes, especially in situations where you really like the other person but understanding that if they don’t reciprocate the love you give, you’re lowering your standards and falling into an unrequited love. No thank you. I’ve created my top 5 relationship tips that I live by:
1. Know your worth
2. Don’t compare yourself to other girls (easier said than done, but ACHIEVABLE). Change the way you view people. Instead of comparing what you have to others, be pluralistic and appreciate the good attributes of others and yourself
3. Never let anyone sweet talk/ guilt talk you out of leaving them. You're responsibility is you.
4. If you have a gut instinct something is wrong, then it probably is…
5. It’s okay to be alone, allows you all the time in the world to play!
Love yourself x